Tigerphone

All this technology. Phone Grandma in Korea while surfing the web and give her turn by turn driving instructions to Yellowstone(lying here). Everything at your fingertips. Space tourism. Probing Mars. Diving the Titanic. Climbing Everest is a tourist attraction. That guy working on a flying car. What I don't get is:

• Why can't I microwave food by pointing my cellphone at it and saying "cook"?
• Why can't I taze someone I don't like with my cellphone?
• Why isn't my cellphone also a retractable dog leash?
• Why isn't my cell phone a Swiss Army Knife?
• Wheres the laser pointer?
• It's not a passport?
• Boarding pass?
• Carve a pumpkin?
• Skin a deer?
• Change a tire?
• Open my house door?

I really don't care or want to skin a deer with my phone. What I really want to know, with all the money and technology and genius we have, why can't a cell phone cover Tigers tracks?

What, I'm Tiger Woods! I can't buy a cell phone and have somebody hack it so Elin sees my "normal" address book when she looks at it and I type, say, "wood" in and there are my 11 girlfriends? No brainer, right? This has cottage industry written all over it. " Sir, would you be interested, perhaps, in the "Tigerphone".(tm). "It's really two phones in one." The "home" phone and the "away" phone. It looks like any other phone! It's like truckers keeping two driving logs or accountants with two books. The Tigerphone(tm). Get "yours" today!